It Works!

Figuring things out - not easy.

You make a plan, like, you really take time for it, you plot out your strategy and think ahead and take all possible possibilities into consideration, but there are still ten million unpredictable things flying in your face so you have to to micromanage and it throws you off track. F***!

And then your husband comes in with a condescending "Why you need to talk like that?" and it just makes me more angry. Because the deal is, I can never know if I'm doing anything right. So when I say f***, at least I can be 100% sure that I've said something WRONG! The bliss of clarity! OK? I do it for a glimpse of clarity and some weeks, that's all I get!

And all this vague uncertainty of what is the right thing to do keeps me crippled and immobilized. I get angry and I rant and curse and make noise around the house, slam doors and yell at the house ghosts. But I know, I can't blame my husband, or German lack of humor or my parents or teachers or that idiot who ...did something to weird me out all those years ago. I am the one who needs to figure things out.

I, nobody else. People will keep being people, my husband will keep being a man, parents will keep trying to raise me, haters gonna hate, bakers gonna bake, takers gonna take.... I guess it's up to me to learn to shake.

So what I've been doing is I have a "Focus Thought" for every day. It's like a little mantra, something I meditate on in the morning and take it into my day. (Guess that makes me a taker too). One of them was, for example, "Why hate A when I can fall in love with B?", or "Perfect love casts out fear" or as simple as "This is exactly the right thing for me to be doing right now". The days I made the effort (makers?) to come up with a simple thought like that, it turned out that even when something unexpected or even unpleasant happened, I had a thought to fall back on and could reconnect with my sanity. The last few days I haven't been that kind of a maker (follow me here?) because I started feeling better - so it actually worked!! - and when I found out that my husband lovingly made my plans without me, I crumbled. The mere fact that I'm writing this, means that I'm doing better. I've found my focus thought for today: "Breathe and connect with your inner crazy again". I want to prepare them in advance and have them ready.

Here is what is really making me nervous. I'd REALLY like to take part in this year's NaNowWriMo. I've developped a plot and I think I'm on to something; this may, in fact, be a story worth writing. I'm afraid though, that I will be too distracted, because my school is crazy this month and our place is still not furnished, so "things don't have their own place". That troubles me... It troubles me to the extent of tricking me into thinking that if I clean just this one cupbord, everything will look better and I will have peace. Wrong. I will get distracted and start looking up the necessary elements to adopt a puppy. Don't judge me.

So there. My system works, but I need to work with it. Or, better said, I assume it works because I've seen little moments of progress and relief very quickly.
No reason not to resume. Read Bible, meditate on it, surrender to God, find focus thought. Start the day. It's on me; things are not going to figure themselves out.

My Not German Life

It's 3:32 am as I'm starting to write this post, and I know it's not jet lag. I've had problems sleeping before the trip. I told my husband that I'm chronically unsatisfied with my life and that I'm blaming the church, a certain passive aggressive person and my parents, but I knew it then and I know it now that's not the root of my problem. The only reason for my chronic unsatisfaction is - me.

California changed me. I've lived in Germany for the past four years, in the part of the country that is not all that cold, as it is gray and cloudy. I need the sun, but the summer seems to be too short to significantly charge my batteries for the rest of the year.
I've known for a long time that I don't feel well or at home here. This spring my husband and I spent a week long get-away in the northern Netherlands, amond sheep and windmills. It was fantastic. On our drive back, as I was saying goodbye to the monotone flat landscape, I started crying. Like sobbing, with big tears running down my face. My husband got worried and the only thing I could really tell him as an explanation was that I don't want to go back... (He's wonderful, he didn't take it the wrong way). The Netherlands has always been my land of freedom. Curiously, in my mind, Germany seems to stand in a stark contras to that freedom.
When people ask me how long it had taken me to feel at home in Germany, I still pause every time. The truth is, I still don't. But there was a point in my coping where I realized that this home won't just fall from the sky, that I have to build it, and I tell people: "You build a home, you invest in your life and make friends and learn how to do your own thing, and that makes it home".
And it's true. Marrying my husband had a lot to do with that, but it doesn't cure unhappiness. I've really tried to fit in. But if I had used these words earlier to describe my endeavors, I would have given up sooner. This way I just made a few more rounds than necessary, but like I said, California changed me.

I've never been to California (actually, prior to this trip,  I've only been to the US once in my life at all), and the only reason we took on this trip was the wedding of a dear friend.
But there is something to the endless sandy beaches, cloudless sky (sun!!!), desert and ---all that space! I mean the vastness! Now don't get me wrong, I come from a very different country, that probably has more in common with Germany thatn with California, but I felt more me and more at home than I ever could where I live now. In my mind, I keep looking for reasons to go back, and while there are good reasons, like the mentioned now married friend, right now my plans are all about escape, and that won't do. I want real freedom.
I've been thinking and praying about this jazz for a few days now and I now understand. I need to get my shit together.
I'm not German. I don't have to be. But I can be happy wherever I am, because happiness is an attitude and my attitude only depends on me.

So in this journal, I want to capture my steps to directing my life. At the same time, I want to stay surrendered to God, because I know that God is and has interest in what I do. I also believe that for some wonderful reason, God wants me to do well, whatever that means.
I don't think He wants me to become German. He wants me to be my unique self that sometimes distracts the gray, hard working reality of this somber culture, but stands for love and beauty and creativity.
This is me, claiming my life, my character, my mission, my attitude.

As my first step, I want to come up with small mantras or focus thoughts for the day. I want to consciously commit to the thought, and balance it with honesty in prayer and listening to the response. I'm not very good at daily commitments, so I can't say I would post every day, but that would be great for my accountability and follow-up on the results of the focus thoughts.

The theme for the remainder of the week: Grattitude. I find this basic for any spiritual journey.
The focus thought for Thursday, Oct 13th: I know what I want

Be you and love it.