It Works!

Figuring things out - not easy.

You make a plan, like, you really take time for it, you plot out your strategy and think ahead and take all possible possibilities into consideration, but there are still ten million unpredictable things flying in your face so you have to to micromanage and it throws you off track. F***!

And then your husband comes in with a condescending "Why you need to talk like that?" and it just makes me more angry. Because the deal is, I can never know if I'm doing anything right. So when I say f***, at least I can be 100% sure that I've said something WRONG! The bliss of clarity! OK? I do it for a glimpse of clarity and some weeks, that's all I get!

And all this vague uncertainty of what is the right thing to do keeps me crippled and immobilized. I get angry and I rant and curse and make noise around the house, slam doors and yell at the house ghosts. But I know, I can't blame my husband, or German lack of humor or my parents or teachers or that idiot who ...did something to weird me out all those years ago. I am the one who needs to figure things out.

I, nobody else. People will keep being people, my husband will keep being a man, parents will keep trying to raise me, haters gonna hate, bakers gonna bake, takers gonna take.... I guess it's up to me to learn to shake.

So what I've been doing is I have a "Focus Thought" for every day. It's like a little mantra, something I meditate on in the morning and take it into my day. (Guess that makes me a taker too). One of them was, for example, "Why hate A when I can fall in love with B?", or "Perfect love casts out fear" or as simple as "This is exactly the right thing for me to be doing right now". The days I made the effort (makers?) to come up with a simple thought like that, it turned out that even when something unexpected or even unpleasant happened, I had a thought to fall back on and could reconnect with my sanity. The last few days I haven't been that kind of a maker (follow me here?) because I started feeling better - so it actually worked!! - and when I found out that my husband lovingly made my plans without me, I crumbled. The mere fact that I'm writing this, means that I'm doing better. I've found my focus thought for today: "Breathe and connect with your inner crazy again". I want to prepare them in advance and have them ready.

Here is what is really making me nervous. I'd REALLY like to take part in this year's NaNowWriMo. I've developped a plot and I think I'm on to something; this may, in fact, be a story worth writing. I'm afraid though, that I will be too distracted, because my school is crazy this month and our place is still not furnished, so "things don't have their own place". That troubles me... It troubles me to the extent of tricking me into thinking that if I clean just this one cupbord, everything will look better and I will have peace. Wrong. I will get distracted and start looking up the necessary elements to adopt a puppy. Don't judge me.

So there. My system works, but I need to work with it. Or, better said, I assume it works because I've seen little moments of progress and relief very quickly.
No reason not to resume. Read Bible, meditate on it, surrender to God, find focus thought. Start the day. It's on me; things are not going to figure themselves out.