It's 3:32 am as I'm starting to write this post, and I know it's not jet lag. I've had problems sleeping before the trip. I told my husband that I'm chronically unsatisfied with my life and that I'm blaming the church, a certain passive aggressive person and my parents, but I knew it then and I know it now that's not the root of my problem. The only reason for my chronic unsatisfaction is - me.
California changed me. I've lived in Germany for the past four years, in the part of the country that is not all that cold, as it is gray and cloudy. I need the sun, but the summer seems to be too short to significantly charge my batteries for the rest of the year.
I've known for a long time that I don't feel well or at home here. This spring my husband and I spent a week long get-away in the northern Netherlands, amond sheep and windmills. It was fantastic. On our drive back, as I was saying goodbye to the monotone flat landscape, I started crying. Like sobbing, with big tears running down my face. My husband got worried and the only thing I could really tell him as an explanation was that I don't want to go back... (He's wonderful, he didn't take it the wrong way). The Netherlands has always been my land of freedom. Curiously, in my mind, Germany seems to stand in a stark contras to that freedom.
When people ask me how long it had taken me to feel at home in Germany, I still pause every time. The truth is, I still don't. But there was a point in my coping where I realized that this home won't just fall from the sky, that I have to build it, and I tell people: "You build a home, you invest in your life and make friends and learn how to do your own thing, and that makes it home".
And it's true. Marrying my husband had a lot to do with that, but it doesn't cure unhappiness. I've really tried to fit in. But if I had used these words earlier to describe my endeavors, I would have given up sooner. This way I just made a few more rounds than necessary, but like I said, California changed me.
I've never been to California (actually, prior to this trip, I've only been to the US once in my life at all), and the only reason we took on this trip was the wedding of a dear friend.
But there is something to the endless sandy beaches, cloudless sky (sun!!!), desert and ---all that space! I mean the vastness! Now don't get me wrong, I come from a very different country, that probably has more in common with Germany thatn with California, but I felt more me and more at home than I ever could where I live now. In my mind, I keep looking for reasons to go back, and while there are good reasons, like the mentioned now married friend, right now my plans are all about escape, and that won't do. I want real freedom.
I've been thinking and praying about this jazz for a few days now and I now understand. I need to get my shit together.
I'm not German. I don't have to be. But I can be happy wherever I am, because happiness is an attitude and my attitude only depends on me.
So in this journal, I want to capture my steps to directing my life. At the same time, I want to stay surrendered to God, because I know that God is and has interest in what I do. I also believe that for some wonderful reason, God wants me to do well, whatever that means.
I don't think He wants me to become German. He wants me to be my unique self that sometimes distracts the gray, hard working reality of this somber culture, but stands for love and beauty and creativity.
This is me, claiming my life, my character, my mission, my attitude.
As my first step, I want to come up with small mantras or focus thoughts for the day. I want to consciously commit to the thought, and balance it with honesty in prayer and listening to the response. I'm not very good at daily commitments, so I can't say I would post every day, but that would be great for my accountability and follow-up on the results of the focus thoughts.
The theme for the remainder of the week: Grattitude. I find this basic for any spiritual journey.
The focus thought for Thursday, Oct 13th: I know what I want
Be you and love it.
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